Saturday, August 20, 2005

What's it going to take?

I need help...and I'm willing to make it worth your while. I'll send you a very cool Pillsbury Doughboy t-shirt for free if you can help me lose 15 pounds by the end of September. I don't care how you do it. Offer advice. Tell me your hardluck story. Shame me into it. Post motivational comments. Post snarky comments. Whatever. I'll pick the top three and send each a shirt.

Why the sudden, desperate cry for help? It started yesterday morning. I was at the gym, running on the treadmill. I was actually running pretty fast (for me anyway), breathing hard and the sweat was just drenching me. All of a sudden, the girl who works there -- a very lean, twentysomething personal-trainer type with short shorts -- comes up to me and says, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I wheezed. "Why?"

"Do you want me to turn the fan on for you?"

"No thanks, I'm okay."

"Are you sure? I wouldn't want you to overheat or anything."

I assured her I was okay and kept running. I have to admit, though, that I was a little more self-conscious. I wondered if it looked like I was out of control running at an 8-minute mile pace. Maybe from her perspective, I was a slight stumble away from being rocketed backwards onto the slightly voluptous woman ellipticizing behind me. The personal trainer girl was probably having visions of trying to extricate the doughy woman and me from a tangle of equipment and MP3 headphone cords. I slowed my pace and just jogged for about 10 more minutes. Then I lifted weights and left.

It was a busy day at work, and the incident kind of vanished from my consciousness. After work, I met a buddy of mine for a few beers. I hadn't seen this guy in about five years, and he remarked that I looked good. I said I'd lost about 15 pounds recently, forgetting that the last time I'd seen him I was actually about 10 pounds lighter than I am today.

"Oh really," he said. "You lost 15 pounds, you say?"

"Yeah, about that. I was almost 250."

"Well, that's good you're losing weight. You've always been kind of ample," he said.

Ample. What the fuck is that? The living space in a house can be ample. The evidence in a criminal law case can be ample. A reward can be ample. But me? I know I'm doughy...even overweight. But ample? Sheesh.

So any progress I've made -- the 15 pounds lost, the 30-minute 5K time, the reductions in pant size and chloresterol -- well, it ain't enough. I need to get serious as a heart-attack about this now, or I'm going to just throw the hands in the air (and hope that box of Krispy Kremes land in them). It's now or never.

So post away. And while you're at it, link to my website so I can get maximum input. I'll be waiting. (DWG Weight: 232 lbs.)


\ ang \ said...

ample is the funniest word i have ever heard in regards to weight. oh, what a crappy friend :)

i know my mom lost weight by cutting out carbs of her diet. it actually is effective but not very healthy and motivation is key as who the hell can really enjoy NOT eating carbs?

or you could binge and purge but i wouldn't really recommend that.

i know i won't be getting a tshirt with my pathetic advice, but good luck :)

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

I lost 60 pounds using Slimfast and exercise a couple years ago. But the best time to start is when you've been sick and don't feel like eating. :-( Then your stomach doesn't make those grumbling noises to feed it. I still drink my Slimfasts, except now they are Target brand. (They taste exactly the same but much much cheaper).

Cheryl~ said...

There is a computer program called diet tracker, it cost 60 bucks (don't be cheap, spend the extra 5 bucks and get the disc) that tracks what you eat, how many calories you burn up with exercise etc. You can try it free for 2 weeks... a friend of mine swears by it. It graphs your progress, gives you advice... you can even enter your recipes and it breaks it down into serving sizes and gives you the calorie count for each. it, its called "Diet Tracker."

American Girl said...

Losing weight is more about what you're putting in than what you are putting out... meaning diet is more important than exercise. Of course, don't stop exercising - 3-5 times a week cario, 2-3 times a week strength training, just majorly reduce your calorie intake. The key to eating healthy: only shop the outer edges of a grocery store, produce, meats, dairy, think fresh! Nothing out of a can or box is much good for you - additives, processed foods, high carbs and sugar. Eat salads, chicken, fish, fruit, etc. No ranch dressing! No pizza or pasta! :)

Or get yourself a bottle of TrimSpa.

~The Goofy Ass Chick said...

Man Amercican Girl, I'm totally screwed then. I seem to only eat processed food. :-( I'm single and hate to cook. I guess I'll have the ass the size of a Mack truck one of these days. lol

Ghost Dog said...

Whatever you do, don't injure your ankle and have surgery. That's one sure-fire way to gain back whatever you've lost.

Although, if it's toned triceps you want, the crutches do help with that...

DR68 said...

Stacy - "back that thing up!!"

My dearest DWG brother - there are as many diet theories and diets as shows that the biotch Omarosa will show up on. But I have come to believe that each persons body responds to each diet differently.

My personal favorite is Body For Life (BFL), a sensible Atkins style approach. Low carb, high protein, work out style diet. The author is Billy Smith, and his book was like a revelation to me.

My good friend and his wife both tried BFL, he an ex athlete began losing, as I did, almost immediatley. His wife, whose lifes excercise is walking to her office, gained weight. She, lost about 40 on Weight watchers. is my shot at the T-shirt. If you were athletic and "in shape" at some point in life, go with the lower carb diet.
If you have always battled weight, go with the calorie specific diet.

But, to really lose weight, you must prescribe to my non-patented diet of- **"GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS, EXERCISE, AND EAT RIGHT"
I promise, eliminate beer and carbonation, continue to work out, and decided on the eating plan that works for you, and you will drop your weight.

BS in HPER/Fitness 91'

**There is no patent pending, and I finally decided to get off my Lazy Ass and lose my 30 pounds 1.5 years ago. Although it sounds like DWG already has this part down.

angry doc said...


It's the basic law of thermodynamics.

Eat less than you expend, and convert mass to energy.

Avoid fad diets; eat the same things you are eating today, but eat only 3-quarters of the portion. Then slowly cut down the portion size or take bad foods out as you get used to it.

Don't expect to not feel hungry while you lose weight.

Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Get laid if you can. Sex burns 150 calories and even if you just masturbate that burns about 100 calories. beating it 3 times aday will burn enough calories so you can eat a couple of Twinkies.

FUBAR said...

Hey hey, it's your carbon copy angry friend... I lost weight by cutting out the sugars. Sugars from soda, candy, donuts...all the bad stuff. That stuff tastes great, but you're gonna pay if you can't give it up. Beer...did you say beer? You shouldn't be having anything but water! Dang, my metabolism is so slow I think I'm getting fat just drinking water! I've read South Beach and Atkins...and I've spoken with some well-known heart surgeons and people who know about this stuff. You can go on it for a couple of weeks, but not long term. Shoot me an email if you want to take it offline to discuss.

Übermilf said...

You may be interested in this incriminating photo of yourself..

What happens in my bathtub, stays in my bathtub.

Übermilf said...

And by the way, I'm giving the South Beach diet a whirl. I'll let you know how it goes.

Considering I just finished off a leftover piece of cake from my daughter's birthday party, I'm not off to a great start. But there's always tomorrow!

sammie said...

Unfortunatly...the only way I have ever lost weight is to do the dreaded...WORK OUT!!! I've actually been doing a loose version of the South Beach Diet. Not typically "low carb" more good carbs vs. bad carbs. Like u can have the tortilla, or bread in moderation and if its whole wheat instead of that fluff they try to sell us in white bread. Makes eating a little easier and also doesnt feel like u are skipping out on all of the fun stuff. I tried Atkins...but one can only eat cow, pig and chickens for so long before our bodies crave other things....
Good luck!!!

The DWG said...

I began a new strategy today: I went out and had a beer with a friend of mine who knew me when I was at my porkiest. The first thing he said when he saw me was, "Hey you look like you lost some weight."

Everything is relative, isn't it? The key is to hang out with people who can only see your progress instead of your regress. And it's funny, because I hadn't really been drinking beer for the past year and in the span of four days, I've re-connected with malt beverages.

So to review and update: Today I went to the gym this morning and worked out. Ate yogurt and granola as my food. Drank beer.

And now I'm hungry and craving bad food. I'm on the ledge people. I'm going to eat three Yesterdawgs.

Like Uber says..."there's always tomorrow."

American Girl said...

DON'T DO IT!!! :)

DR68 said...

Damn there goes my shirt.

The DWG said...

I'm so ashamed.

Anonymous said...


I'm sort of in the same boat. I'm chipping away at the sympathy weight I gained during my wife's pregnancy, but I think I'm onto something.

If you've got the means, pick up an eliptical runner. I got one for $300 and it's fan-tas-tic.

I had a lot of dicks I work with tell me I'll be hanging my clothes off it in no time(i.e. not using it) but the truth is, I use it about 5 days a week.

Here's the secret. Going to a club? No good. For me, it was getting there. I could think of every excuse not to go. What I did was set my runner up in front of my TV and attatched a DVD player. That way, when I do my 30 minute work out, I'm watching a commercial-free program. After my 30 minutes are up, I mark where I left off on the DVD and resume it the next morning.

Oh...did I mention I do my workout at 5am? Before work? That's the BEST time to do it. If you wait until work has kicked your ass, you WON'T want to work out when you get home. Roll your ass outta bed, fire up the DVD and run your ass off.

The beauty is, I haven't seen much fluctuation. I'm still eating what I want, but as long as I'm being somewhat responsible (and keeping up the 5 days at 5am plan), I'm going to be at my target weight by the end of the year.

kilgore trout said...

>Offer advice. Tell me your hardluck story. Shame me into it. Post motivational comments. Post snarky comments.

screw snarky, i want one of those shorts, so i'm headed straight for your's this? lose 15 pounds by the end of september or i don't have to pay back the bushel of clams i just borrowed from you...there's your motivation and here's a visual to go with it...

click me

start walking...everywhere...even to places you don't have to's good for the head, you'll sleep better at night too, and people will notice you walking and wonder what you're up to, which is like a cage-rattling bonus if you find value in that sort of it for the gipper, i know you can, i know you can...

Jimmy Moore said...

Well, I can think of no better way to drop weight and start feeling better than livin' la vida low-carb. I've been there as a former 410-pound fat slob who was able to shed 180 pounds off my doughy white boy self in about year. Hang in there, DWB and check out my blog for inspiration and foundation for doing low-carb the RIGHT way. It'll be the easiest 15 pounds (or more!) that you've ever lost and kept off for good!

Jimmy Moore, "Livin' La Vida Low-Carb Man"