Pillsbury Doughboy may have eating disorder

Poppin’ Fresh, the diminutive doughboy shill for Pillsbury, may be suffering from a serious eating disorder, according to a recent analysis by health experts.

Based on his reported height (8 ¾ inches) and weight (14 oz.) the Doughboy’s calculated body mass index (BMI) is a mere 9.6, which puts him below that of even Mary Kate Olsen. By comparison, someone in a normal weight range has a BMI in the 18.5 to 24.9 range. Anything below 18.5 is considered “underweight.”

While we can’t speculate on the cause of this disturbing weight issue, some have tied it to the Doughboy’s purported use of laxatives. Others point to his HipHop lifestyle, often downplayed by his corporate patrons at General Mills.

Known as “Poppin’ F” among rappers, the 40-year old pitchman began freestyling in his commericals a few years back. Soon, rappers like OutKast and Kool G. Rap were paying tribute and, not long afterwards, there were rumors about East Coast involvement in the disappearance of the Doughboy's wife and kids. Then, a few years back, the Doughboy's own demise was reported in what turned out to be just another Internet hoax.

The Doughy White Guy has started a fund so Poppin' F can get help. To contribute, purchase a Doughboy t-shirt (available only in XL) from the Doughy White Guy blog. Cost is $20, which includes shipping & handling. For information, email me at TheDWG@aol.com. (DWG Weight: 233 lbs.)

Missing the Point

It's been suggested that I'm blogging about this goofy, nonpersonal stuff to avoid dealing with the real issue: my weight. The fact that I haven't run since Saturday's race is pointed to as further proof that I'm finding busy work rather than working out.

"You should write about your personal struggle to lose weight," a female friend suggests.

Hey, this ain't Cosmo or Redbook. Guys don't "share" their personal struggles. We do important stuff like tracking the NHL trades and seeing who's on The Daily Show tonight (Andre from OutKast). We check email. Oh yeah, and work. Gosh, some people just miss the point. (DWG Weight: 234 lbs.)

Pooped Out

Yesterday, the Girlie (a friend of mine) repeated a line she'd heard in a meeting. The woman who said it was trying to get everyone on the same page for a project, when she spouted: "We all need to get our poop in a group."

Okay. What the fuck does that mean? Poop in a group? I went ahead and Googled it. Sure enough, there are like four pages of results, including a reference in a rather weighty looking report on expanding tourism in Montanta. (Note to Montana officials, fecal references are not good tagline material here in the Midwest).

Then again, poop-oriented cliches do abound. There's the underutilized "Did a pigeon poop in your ears?" The allusion to the act itself with the popular, "I dropped the kids off at the pool." And, of course, the familiar "Don't be a party pooper!" (Which is kind of gross if you visualize the accused literally ruining the festivities with a bowel movement).

I'm asking any visitors to the DWG: What's the most disgusting and/or obscure cliche you've heard? Doesn't have to refer to poop. Thanks. (DWG Weight: 234 lbs.)

Does it cost $7,000 to join a gym?

The more you weigh, the less they pay. A new study finds that many overweight U.S. workers make less than their slimmer counterparts in the same jobs, in part to cover the costs of health insurance. As the price of health insurance has risen, the wage gap for obese workers more than tripled over a nine-year period, from $1 an hour to $3.40, a report by Jay Bhattacharya and M Kate Bundorf of the National Bureau of Economic Research reveals. That's more than $7,000 a year, which, all things being equal, could buy that employee a pretty good membership at the gym.

Models Wanted

Know any fat, bald, middle-aged, male golfers to star in the new Lambrini ad? Apply at www.lambrini.co.uk. That's a serious offer from British beverage firm Halewood, in response to a regulatory handslap for an earlier ad featuring three female hotties and a studly male model. The Advertising Standards Association claimed the ad for Lambrini, a sparkling alcoholic beverage, implied that drinking it brought sexual/social success because the man in the ad looks "quite attractive and desirable" to the girls. The ASA also noted: "If the man was clearly unattractive, we think that this implication would be removed."

Clearly offended (or perhaps just seeing a PR opportunity), Halewood CEO John Halewood created the contest and encouraged "Lambrini Girls" -- ie, his target customers -- to submit their doughy boyfriends and husbands as potential ad models. (DWG Weight: 234 lbs.)

Big Fat Lies?

"Food cops, trial lawyers, and pharmaceutical interests looking to write their own prescription for fat profits have hitched their wagons to obesity hype. But new research has again debunked the linchpin of unwarranted obesity panic -- the since-dismissed claim that excess weight leads to 400,000 deaths each year." Wow. That sounds like good news from the Center for Consumer Freedom, a nonprofit group funded by restaurants and food companies. Hey, wait a minute... (Weight 234 lbs.)

Eat. Forget. Smoke. Eat.

Two studies on the wire today that present conflicting -- nay, confounding -- data. A study by University of Washington researchers reports that obese people are more likely to develop Alzheimer's. Meanwhile, scientists at Madrid's Cajal Institute released it's own study claiming that marijuana's active ingredient -- cannabinoids -- can help prevent the brain problems seen in Alzheimers. So let's get this straight: You eat. You get fat. You get Alzheimers. The doctor prescribes smoking pot, which makes you want to... (Weight: 234 lbs).

Clinton's Cellulite Crusade

Former President Bill Clinton told CNN yesterday that a lifetime of unhealthy eating led to his “brush with death” last year and inspired his crusade to improve Americans’ diets. Recalling his quadruple heart bypass surgery in September 2004, Clinton said: “I realized that one more time I’ve been given another chance, and I wanted to make the most of it. The bottom line is we’ve got too many kids too overweight and they’re walking time bombs.” Clinton told host Dr. Sanjay Gupta that he was a chubby child growing up in Arkansas. “I was the fat band boy,” he said.

Less BMI = More ROI

Overweight Americans who lose a lot of weight also tend to build more wealth as they drop the pounds, according to Ohio State researcher Jay Zagorsky. His new study found that the link between weight loss and wealth gains was particularly strong among white women. (So, think twice before you blow off that BBW in the bar.) And before you go on a crash diet and start selling Amway, take note of this quote from Zagorsky, who tips the scales at 195 pounds: “If you really want to impact your wealth, you have to move from overweight or obese into the normal range,” he said. “You can't just drop 5 or 10 pounds and change your wealth.” (Weight: 234 lbs)

Fat Man Walking

Forget Waldo. Where's Steve? That's Steve Laught, a 400-lb. guy from Southern California who's walking across the U.S. for a good cause: himself. He's already lost 50 pounds on his trek from San Diego to New York City. He sleeps in a tent and eats what he can, including beef jerky, nutrition bars and the occasional helping of biscuits and gravy. If you're somewhere along the route, bring him some fruit and fresh water. (Weight: 234 lbs.).

Running to Stand Still

Exercising used to be so much better when I wasn't even aware that I was doing it. I used to play basketball for hours and ride my bike all over or rollerblade...and I never even considered the fact that it was good for me. It was just what I did. And then, at some point after parenthood, I reached that stage where I had to be fooled into exercising. I'd go play father-son hockey with my kid's PeeWee team and about half-way through it, I'd skate to the bench and look at some of the other dads and say, "Hey, did you see me out there? I'm exercising!" We'd all get a good chuckle and then we'd have a beer.

These days, though, I am painfully aware of each minute spent exercising. I've been doing some strength training because, you know, a pound of fat burns just two calories per day, but a pound of muscle burns 65 calories each day just by existing on your body. More recently, I started jogging -- first on the treadmill and then, about two weeks ago, outside. I typically run at about a 12 minute per mile pace, which is slightly faster than a geriatric with cane, but at least I can say I'm running (unlike all those other people who WALK on the treadmills at the gym). I told people I was training for a Half-K race. "You run to the end of the block and then get in line for the free Gatorade, granola bars and fruit." We'd chuckle and then go get a beer.

This past Saturday, I put aside pain and common sense to enter a road race. I was on vacation, in the beautiful lakefront town of Menominee, Michigan (gateway to da Yooper), and there was a big festival, including a Saturday morning run. As I scanned the brochure, I noticed there actually was a Half-K race, but registration was limited to children. I opted for the 5-K race and completed the 3.2 mile run in a blazing 30:27. Notably, my heart did not explode. Imagine my disappointment, though, when I heard post-race that I could have entered the "Clydesdale Division" which they had set up for "bigger runners." How sweet would that have been, to be lumbering down Main Street with an icy cold Budweiser in my hand at 9 a.m.?

It's worth noting that I ran every day on vacation and returned home at exactly the same weight as when I left. (Weight: 234 lbs.)

We're on the Road to Nowhere

Hopping in the car in a few hours to head out for a week's vacation with my kids. We're headed around Lake Michigan on a "circle tour" with a planned stop in Wisconsin to see my mother and stepfather. Other than that, we're going to wander around with no particular destination and only a few rules: swim and eat ice cream everyday, find interesting places and people. Kind of like Jack Kerouac with a credit card and an SUV. Okay, so this doesn't really qualify as "vagabonding" but it's a low-stress way to get out of town. (Weight: 234 lbs.)

The Talent Given Us

My mother used to get so uptight over the holidays because she wanted every Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner to be just so: The table set, the turkey carved and all the family gathered. Instead, she got off-color jokes, my sister belching, arguments about my dead father, and grandchildren spilling juice on her white cloth chairs. I can remember confronting her after one unusually raucous Thanksgiving dinner. She was in the kitchen, in tears, and I yelled at her: "The problem is that you try to turn these family gatherings into a Norman Rockwell painting, when they're really more of a Jackson Pollock."

I'm remembering that scene today, having arrived back from a road trip to Traverse City, where I caught a hysterically funny indie film called The Talent Given Us. It's a family road trip movie, but this ain't no Chevy Chase flick. A couple of 70-year olds and their 30-something daughters set out cross-country in a minivan to visit their absent son in Hollywood. Along the way, we get to see arguments, laughter, revelations of family secrets, lots of eating, hotel-room masturbation and some septugenarian lovemaking.

Talent was written and shot by a guy named Andrew Wagner, and it stars his mother, father and two sisters. Is it fact or fiction? Are the family members acting or being themselves? Doesn't matter. It rings true and it works. We met Andrew, who got us the tickets thanks to our friend Terri Breed, who is also the film's editor. We also met Andrew's mom, Judy, who is tremendous in the film. She's articulate, bossy, intelligent and can drop an F-Bomb with the best of them. ("I'm from New York," she says). Andrew's father, Alan, was there too, but he was parking the minivan and chewing on a straw. His performance in the movie is amazing.

The show was a sell-out, which did not escape festival organizer Michael Moore, another guy who's been accused of blurring the line between fact and fiction in his movies. Moore showed up to introduce the film and then hosted Q&A afterwards. In between, Moore described The Talent this way: "Fresh, original, bodacious, shocking, funny and everything else...all the reasons we love to go to the movies." It's a great movie. Go see it at a festival near you. (Weight: 234 lbs.)

Having to Start Somewhere

The title of this blog comes from a phrase that I've used to describe myself and people like me over the past few years. Actually the phrase is usually "doughy, middle-aged white guy" but I thought I'd spare a few keystrokes. Plus, the age thing isn't really that significant in describing the prototype. You know him, and probably have one of them in your life somewhere. People use words like "funny" and "dorky" to describe him. Has a good job. Drinks light beer...or microbrews. Tries Atkin. Goes to the gym. Tracks the stock market online. Binges on ESPN, but doesn't get up early in the morning with the sole purpose of watching it like he used to. Looking for one good woman who will give him reason to lose the Cortisol-induced midsection.

How much dough? Current weight is 234 pounds. At 6' tall, that puts me above the recommended BMI. If I were 12 years old, moms would call me "husky" rather than "fat." Even at my current size, people say things like: "I can't believe you weigh that much. You wear it so well." (When I repeat that statement out loud, though, it reminds me of women who say: "I'm 40, but most people think I'm in my 20s.") For the record, I've been known to eat waffle fries at Chick Fil-A and then go to the gym and do the elliptical machine for an hour.

Final thought: You have to start somewhere.

The Doughy White Guy