Obese Man Impaled In Wicker-Chair Disaster

STAUNTON, VA–Coroners are listing "massive wicker trauma" as the official cause in Monday's death of 420-pound Staunton resident Tony Grushecky. "Forensic evidence indicates that the base of the chair in which Mr. Grushecky sat gave out at 5 p.m. Monday, with the collapse driving razor-sharp wicker spears upwards of two feet into his morbidly obese body," Augusta County Coroner Edward Reynoso told reporters. "In my 22 years as coroner here, I've never seen such a brutal wicker-chair impaling." Grushecky's enormous rolls of body fat were insufficient to protect him from the deadly spears, Reynoso said, and numerous vital organs were irreparably wickered. Taken from...The Onion.

Doughy white funny guy

Most comics have something that upsets them fueling their act. What pisses Jim Gaffigan off?
JG: There is something to be said with presentation. I might look at a Hot Pocket commercial and be like, "How stupid do they think we are?" They're just going to sit there and go, (sings) "Hot Pocket" and we're going to be like, "Oh, that's a good commercial, let's go and eat that crap." Obviously, it's just a calzone or a Jamaican meat product, but they've just called it something else and used the worst description for the product. I feel like everything pisses me off, but I guess I've got it kind of good. I'm pissed off that Angelina Jolie keeps calling me. I was just at Sundance and this business is all about getting too much respect or none. I was there for a film and it was great, they give you free shit and everything, but I would say, like, three times a day people thought I was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Does that piss me off? Not really. You'll look at a script, and I'm a character actor, and it'll be like, "The guy who looks slightly retarded enters the room," and that's my character. Those things can piss you off or you can go, "Yeah, you know what, I am a doughy white guy." I think that's what sarcasm is for, deflecting some of that annoyance.